Trash Removal

In the rural areas of Pennsylvania, there is land aplenty at prices low enough to cause New Jersey city slickers to drool with covetous lust. Left to their own devices, these folks with more dollars than sense will purchase every square acre of land possible and proceed with its destruction instead of appreciating the breathtaking beauty of this forested haven.  Unsurprisingly, there is no love lost between the rural population and the invading urbanites.

Gaheris worked a very early shift on his pie-delivery job, starting his route well before sunrise so that he could be contentedly inebriated by noon.  He was well-known at the taverns throughout the area, and while he listened to the complaints from people on both sides of the property issue, he generally kept his opinions to himself.

Down that way, with no regular trash removal services available, property owners had their own methods, including the use of a huge barrel in which combustibles were collected.  When the barrel was full, the contents were set afire and thus disposed of, with no great fuss.  A burn barrel was a necessary item, so when Gaheris came into possession of a few extras one year he placed an ad in the local paper, and soon thereafter a New Jersey newcomer showed up to buy one.

“I see you have some barrels for sale advertised in the paper.”


“We just bought twelve acres out here in the middle of nowhere. No paved roads, no garbage collection… we just never thought there were still people living like this!”


“Television reception is nonexistent, and we’re still waiting for phone lines. What on earth do people do out here? Ha! Probably don’t have a clue which century we’re in!”


“So, ah, anyway, it looks like we need some sort of barrel for collecting trash. The ones you have would be what we’re looking for?”


“Good. Yes. Well, I’ll buy both, then.”

“That’s great. Where were you planning to keep these barrels?”

“Out behind the house — far enough away to burn the rubbish safely, right?”

“Yep, that’s a good idea. You’ll find rain gets in there, too, you know.”

“Oh! Yes! Do I need a cover?  Do you have a cover?”

“Nah.  Around here, we just drill some holes in the bottom of the barrels and let the rain go right back out. Tell you what: you wait right here for a minute. I’ve got a tool just right for the job. Let me go get the drill.”

At which point, Gaheris went inside and emerged with a handgun, and proceeded to blow six holes into the bottom of a barrel.

The city slicker drove off with just the one barrel.